Dilemma Of A Patient Heart

I said, “I love you.”
You just smiled.
I waited for you to say something, anything.
You never replied.

I can clearly hear your hesitant thoughts, that whooshing sound of multiple gears of your brain. I am not really sure what to do or say next, so I simply pull you into a hug. You lean into me like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

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Initially, I used to think you are not vocal about multiple things, but, that changed the moment you started talking about the things which mean a lot to you. Your passion was clearly visible in your twinkling eyes. Your animated hand gesture, the way your eyes squinted when you were recalling some important facts, that cute V which was formed between your brows when you were concentrating and the way you curl your lips up when something goes the way you imagined. It has always been easy to read what is going on with your mind, so why is it so difficult now.

I do not want to question what we have but sometimes it is difficult not to do it as you keep yourself so closed off. Sometimes, I feel that I am not good enough, I am not really sure that I am what you deserve.

I feel you tense up every time I confess that I am in love with you. I don’t know how to assure you that what we have is very special to me. I want you to know that I do not say ‘I love you’ for the sake of saying, I mean it in the truest form.

It’s difficult to stop the irrelevant thoughts from popping into my mind.
Like,
Did I kiss her too soon?
Did I rush that confession of my heart?
Will she ever speak her heart out?
Does she even feel what I feel?

But, in the battle of my mind and heart, my heart is always going to win when it is about you, period.

I will keep saying I love you to you. I know you have walls around you, I know they are there for a reason. I know there is a spark and this knowledge is more than enough for me, right now.

I am not going to give up on us, not now, not ever. Because your brain might mess up with your thoughts, your body always gives away the crucial information. I feel it in every kiss, your struggle, your confusion and your heart. I pay close attention to your small little sighs after we kiss. I love the way your body lights up to my touch. I love how you always look for me, your adorable blush and blissful expressions are my only assurances, for now. I look forward to them, every day.

I am going to wait for you to be there. What we have is very precious to be given away without a proper fight. I know you are fighting inside, I am going to stand by you and let you sort your thoughts. No questions asked, period.

Because, I love you more than anything in the world.

Read her side of story here.

The Pleas Of A Guarded Heart

You told me you love me, a million times.
I kept searching for reasons to not believe you, I could not find one.

Do I love you?
I am not sure.
Do you love me?
I don’t want to admit that I am sure!

The Guarded Heart

I’m paranoid, I’m uncertain but I care a lot about you. Then why am I holding back? Why am I fighting it? Why am I making it so difficult!?

Yes, I have walls around me.
Yes, I am guarding myself.
Yes, I have a tendency to doubt everything.

It’s the only way I can ensure my sanity, keep my nerves from falling all over the place. I am just looking out for myself, can you blame me?

Sometimes it’s not just about how much love you have for me, sometimes it’s about the repetitive reassurances. I fancy you, a lot but I am afraid. I am afraid of falling into the same pattern, all over again. I’m afraid of losing a piece of my soul. I just need my time to be sure.

I just want to be sure of whether what we have is worth risking my heart. I am waiting for my gut to ask me to drop all the walls. I promise I respect your emotions. No, I’m not toying with you, it has always been genuine. I read your sincerity in your kisses, I feel your love in your touches. But I am a victim of always wearing my heart on my sleeves. I’m trying. I promise, I am.

I want to tell you everything, but not right now. My insecurities get the best of me.
So, honey, just be patient with me. Keep loving me the way you do, keep kissing me like you mean it, continue being my shelter!

Read his side of story here.

90 Happy-Positive Days Challenge

I read somewhere that if you want your brain to adapt to a pattern, all you have to do is keep repeating it till your brain accepts it as a habit. Today I want to share one such experience with you guys.

On 8th November 2016, I started a  90 happy-positive days challenge. The only condition for this challenge was to stay happy and positive for ninety consecutive days. After having plenty of negative days, I decided enough was enough! I strategically planned the challenge so that the 91st day was the day I turned 22.

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The duration of my challenge was 8th November 2016 – 5th February 2017.
I turned 22 on 6th of February, this year.

Duration : 90 Days
Platform : Instagram

I chose Instagram as a platform because it is the only platform which I use everyday.

The rules were simple:
1) Read and write a positive or happy affirmation everyday.
2) Post a picture of what made you happy today.

Initially, it was very difficult because staying happy all the time is not easy. But as the time passed, I started believing in myself. I started looking for silver linings in every situation. By the time it was the New Year, I was happier than ever!

My entire journey was documented on Instagram and the support I got from everyone was super heart-warming.

This challenge was really interesting and fun to do. I have grown up a lot as a person and I am really proud of myself that I took up this challenge.Also, everyone was extremely supportive and helpful, asking me not to give up whenever I was struggling. Every positive affirmation changed my perspective a little more every day.

This challenge turned me into a better person and I urge you guys to give it a shot. I will post the list of affirmations, they really set the tempo.

P.S. If there are more such challenges which you have personally tried, please let me know. I want to do everything which helps me to grow.

 

Letter To My Body

Hello, it’s me.

I am sorry for not writing soon.

There are a plenty of things that I want to say to you, I want to confess my true feelings, I want to apologize for all the stupid things that ever said to you and most specifically, I want to tell you how much I love you.

First things first, I want to apologize because I took you for granted.

valentines-day-special

I am really sorry for all the wrong food I fed you just because I thought it tasted better. I am sorry for not taking care of you when you should have been my first priority. I am sorry for sleeping with my makeup on because I was too lazy to get up.

I am very sorry for buying that dress one size too small, I suffocated you to satisfy my crazy illusion of looking good. It was very stupid of me to follow those dumb crash diets just because it worked for somebody on the internet. I apologize for depriving you of your favourite chocolate!

I want to apologize for all the mean things that I said to you. I am sorry that I let the mirror mock you. I am sorry for holding my breath and sucking my stomach in to look good in pictures. I disappointed you when I used that bag, that pillow, that jacket and those oversized clothes to hide my so-called “flaws” I am sorry for the days when I looked into the mirror and criticized you for not being the perfect body.

All I did to you was nasty comments and bad behaviour, yet you never gave up on me. You never stopped helping me in defining who I am. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for always sticking up with me.

You are not fat, you are not short, you are not bad, you are just perfect!

Those imperfections are not your flaws, they are your jewels! They help you in defining who you are. They help me in being ME!

Now when I look into the mirror, all I see are the things that I love!
I love those crooked teeth!
I love those stretch marks!
I love those freckles!
The curly hair which I never liked, I love it now!

I do not care what the weighing scale says but that does not mean I’ll stop you from being healthy.

Earlier, I wanted to lose weight and look different because I did not like you. But now, I want to eat healthy,  get fit because I love you and we help the ones we love in getting better and better, everyday.

So, dear body, this Valentine’s Day I vow to love you even better than the best way I possibly could. I promise to treat you the way you deserve it!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Sincerely,
Me.

 

 

She Never Dared To Speak Out

She stepped into this world where no one welcomed,
She thought they might take some tome to open up, to make her feel loved,
She begged for the love and all she got was a mean shove!
She never dared to speak out because she was grateful that they were kind enough to let her come into this world.

She was five when that uncle started coming over,
She lost the count of times when he hurt her over and over,
She begged, she cried,
All her mercy pleas were brutally denied.
Mommy asked her to forget about it and carry on with life,
As these small incidents are part and parcel of life.
She never dared to speak out again because families and relations should not be broken.

She was sixteen when that mean boy spiked her drink,
She thought he loved her because of all the words he used to speak.
She was broken and in pain,
But once again all her efforts of speaking out went in vain.
It was the question of family honour,
It was her fault that she went out with him at that late hour.

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She was twenty when they grabbed her in the alley,
A gut-wrenching shrill came through her belly.
She was alone and they were five in number,
They took turns, did the unimaginable and all she hoped was it to be a nightmare of her deep slumber.
No, she was not allowed to speak out and bring shame to the family.
It was her fault that she wore such clothes which provoked those men, madly.

She was twenty-eight when her husband slapped her for the first time,
In the poor guy’s defence, it was her fault that she did not cook the food right.
He forced himself onto her,
He was the husband and it was his right.
She never dared to speak out and demand justice.
It was a wife’s duty to let her husband do anything he pleases.
Divorces are a failure and a symbol of how your parents did not teach you to behave and obey your husband’s instructions.

She was thirty-two when she gave birth to a healthy baby girl,
Hell broke loose because she failed to give them a son, an heir.
Sometimes that little girl was killed,
Sometimes she was thrown into this vicious circle where she thought it was better to be killed.

No, it did not stop here, it continued till she died!

Women safety is a huge issue which nobody pays attention to.

Sometimes her clothes are the reason,
Sometimes her working late in office,
Sometimes she simply used a mobile phone,
Sometimes she ate Chinese food,
Sometimes boys just had some fun,
Sometimes because boys are boys,
Sometimes it was the influence of western culture!
These are the statements given by the oh-so-amazing politicians.

She begged, she cried but the justice was most of the times,denied!

The Betrayal Story: Was I Not Good Enough?

On our date night, she was with us.
On our weekend getaway, she was with us.
On our long distance calls, she was with us on a call waiting.
On our star gazing night, she was with us.
During every touch, every kiss, every word you spoke to me, she was with us.

Sometimes related to work,
Sometimes as an investor,
Sometimes an old school friend,
Sometimes a wrong number,
Sometimes you ran out of lies and asked me not to stress about it.

You wanted me to believe in all your lies,
And the worst part is, I DID. For a very long time.

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Now, sitting on the edge of a bed which used to be ours, my mind cannot help and go back to the painful memory where you had your arms around her waist and she leaned into you. The moment when my world crashed into billion pieces. I was there when you kissed her, I was there when you whispered something into her ear and she giggled, I was there when you had a look of pure adoration on your face which she mirrored. Yet, you turned around and told me it was not what it looks like!!

The bedroom which used to be my safe haven is suffocating me right now. You are asking me to say something, the voice which used to soothe me in my darkest days is now slicing my battered heart. I have a million thoughts running through my mind.

I want to ask;
Was I not good enough?
What we had was not enough?
Did you ever feel something remotely close to what I felt?
Did you ever love me?

I want to ask;
Does she love you like I loved you?
Does she listen to your rants about how pathetic the cafeteria food is, for hours?
Does she let you have the last bite of her food?
Does she believe you when you say I love you to her?

I want to ask a lot more!
But all I could manage is, “You need to leave right now. We are done.”

You accuse me of being stupid for overreacting.

Yes, I was stupid for not reading the signs.
Yes, I was stupid for thinking that I am not good enough.
Yes, I was stupid for trusting you over my conscious.
Yes, I was stupid for loving and believing in you.

I was scared of my biggest fear turning into reality, I was scared of losing the beautiful bond we had. Now my conscious is scowling at me, shouting, “I told you so.”

I am giving you, what you gave to me: A Betrayal. I am betraying you to be with my conscious, my sane mind, my most beautiful bond.

Phewwww!!! Too heavy for my liking but I just had to get it off my chest. I wanted to talk about it to somebody and you guys do a wonderful job, seriously. I had my heart in mouth, all the time. Might have stifled a sob or two. I did not want to start the new year on this note but some things cannot really wait.Also, this is my point of view and it is not meant to offend anyone. All relationships are different if you think you can work things out, it’s completely fine!! Totally your call.

Thank you for reading.

I promise to post something positive soon!

 

 

The Annual Gratitude Journal

The last week of an ending year is meant for summing up the experience of the entire year. In my previous post, I talked about what all things this year has taught me. In a nutshell, 2016 was a crazy year with a lot of unexpected events. But every crazy situation has a silver lining. So, today I will talk about all the things that I am grateful for this year.

2016-gratitude-journal

I am grateful for the love I have received this year.

I am grateful for all the positive people I met this year.

I am thankful for letting go the toxic relationships.

I am thankful for starting to love my body the way it is.

I am grateful for learning the importance of being healthy.

I am happy that I started appreciating the beauty in all the things.

I am ecstatic that I started my 90 happy-positive days challenge, which I’ll be talking about after it gets completed.

I am grateful for the loving and beautiful parents I have.

I am thankful for a supportive and understanding sibling I have.

I am thankful for all the friends I have in my life.

I am grateful for all the soul-searching conversations I had with my bestfriends.

I am thankful for getting to know two of the most amazing souls on this planet.
Yvonne: The most understanding and wise.
Deepal: She is such a babe, she just gets me. To be honest, I had no idea how cool she was, till I actually talked to her.

I am grateful for still being in contact with my school friends.

I am amazed that more than 2700 people have checked my blog this year.

I am grateful for the 1400 wonderful souls who connected with me on Instagram.

I am grateful for the amazing trip I took with my cousins.

I am grateful for a good academic year.

I am thankful for not holding grudge till eternity *earlier, I used to*

I am grateful for my good health.

I am thankful for standing up for myself.

Thank you for reading.
XOXO

What are you grateful for?

5 Things I Wish I knew Before Starting 2016

Since the year 2016 is almost over, I think it is the perfect time for me to point out a couple of things which I wish, I knew before starting 2o16.

lessons-from-2016

People are going to judge you

Irrespective of what you do and what you do not, people are going to have a say in it. They will crawl into your head and force their thoughts. At the end, how you handle the situation matters the most.

Internet is a stupid place

If you shared a cute picture or a deep thought evoking quote, there will be a certain someone sitting on the other end, taking a dig at you. They suffer from self-esteem issues and you should not let their mental conditions bother you.

You cannot make everyone happy

This is the most important lesson I learnt this year. The only person whose happiness should matter to you is YOU. Even if you try to be good to everyone, something is bound to go wrong with someone, making them unhappy in the process. So, live your moments and ONLY works towards making them count.

People will not be in your life forever

No matter how loving a person is, no matter how good your bonding is, there will be a time when differences will occur. Some differences are too big to repair and peace of mind is too important than a broken relationship. Sometimes you have to let go a person you love for the sake of both of you.

Body image is not everything

I have spoken a lot about being beautiful from inside. Outer beauty or physical appearance is not going to do any good if you are toxic from inside. I have met a good bunch of toxic people, so no matter how much makeup they apply or how amazingly they dress up, they are beautiful. Flaws should be appreciated, worn as a medal. Nobody cares how good you look, which brand clothes you wear, are you skinny or fat, as long as you are a good person. Being beautiful inside-out matters the most.

These are the major points I am going to keep in mind during the coming year. Is there anything that I have missed?

One Year Blog Anniversary

Hello, everyone!!

Today is a very special day for Specscladeyes. Twelve months ago, I joined this wonderful platform to share my thoughts with everyone. That feeling when I pressed the publish button for the first time is beyond words. I still remember the rush of emotions when I got that first follower, it was an amazing feeling to know that somebody found my writeups relatable.

Today, when I got the congratulatory notification from WordPress, it brought back all the lovely memories of the twelve months that I have spent on this beautiful platform. Writing is a part of me and now specsclad.wordpress.com is an integral part of my life.

One year_specscladeyes

It is one of the most beautiful journeys, I have stepped on in my life and I am so grateful that it has helped me in turning who I am today.

Also, the journey is incomplete without the support, the community has shown me. It is unbelievable how loving and supportive everyone is. You can have a look at my beautiful WordPress family, here.

I can never thank you guys enough for supporting me in my WordPress journey so far and I am positive that you all will keep supporting me in future as well. Afterall, that is what family is for.

I will try to connect more with the amazing bloggers in the coming year. I am also thinking about setting up a blogging goal for the next year to make the most out of these 12 months.

My words cannot explain how your love has helped this blog to grow more than I could have ever imagined. Whenever I complained about something, whenever I just wanted to talk, whenever I made some big decisions in my life, whenever I was sad about something, you guys were always there for me.

So, once again Thank you for all your support!

I love you all so much.

Specscladeyes
xoxo

 

 

Can You Calm This Chaotic World?

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All of us are a part of one huge chaos where everyone is doing something or the other, but basically everyone is TRYING TO MAKE SENSE. We have no clue about what we are doing, but we are the best at telling others what to do!

We suck at making life choices but we are audacious enough to question about others choices. We think we are those “know-it-all” type, but that is one of the many misconceptions we have about us.We think about managing the chaos but end up contributing more to it.

All of us want to reach to the top but, what is reaching the top like? Will it be as glorious as you have imagined? Will it quench your thirst for success? Will it give you a peace of mind? Will it separate you from this chaotic world?

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Fine, you have reached the top, then what? Who will you celebrate your achievements with if you have pushed everyone away in the process of reaching to the top? No, I am not saying that achieving what you dream is a bad thing! Obviously, NOT! But what matters more is the people you take along with you on your journey. Be competitive but don’t kill someone’s spirit in the process.

The only trick to try to sort this chaos is doing it together. We can only grow if everyone is growing up at the similar pace. The chaos can only be managed if we stick to each other and move forward TOGETHER!

So, what are you doing, adding up to the chaos or sorting it? Do you want to retreat and make a fresh move? The choice is yours!

Thank you for reading 🙂

P.S. One year blog anniversary tomorrow!!