“Everything Is Fine”

“How is everything?”
“Everything is fine.”

I lie through my teeth and pull a smile.

You just nod and carry on
Just like everyone I have ever known.

They say talking about it helps,
as if I don’t know!
They say it should be easy,
hitting a low blow!

Some pretend, some try,
but actually, it’s just a far cry.

I know I have built these walls around me, I know these walls are hard to penetrate. I am trying to protect myself, I am trying to do something good for me.

These walls calm me down

When I am tossing and turning at night,
When I am battling my demons,
When I am drowning in the black pool,
When I burn myself with cold sweat.

I hold these walls dear to me because they give me the assurance of limit. The assurance of not suffering more than what I am going through now. The assurance of not giving anyone else the authority to hurt me when I am already hurting so much.

This is all I know.
This is what I do.

The helplessness in your eyes haunts me every day,
Your concerned gazes when you think I am not looking,
Your “How is everything?” every day,
I notice everything.

But I don’t want to draw you into the same dark sea.
Because I know firsthand, how ugly it can get.

Because I care about.
Because I love you.

Thank you for reading.
-A

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To The One Who Broke My Heart

“Why”, you asked.

Every time I look into your eyes, I see her mocking me.
Your once soothing kisses stab me now.
Your touch burns me so much that every time you touch me, I run back to the bathroom to wash all the traces of her!
Your voice makes me aware of all the promises you never kept.
The way you lied through your teeth,
The way you didn’t blink your eyes, even when you were saying I love you to not just me.
The only voice I hear now is her screeching laughter, at the expense of my misery.

You asked for another chance,
For the sake of the love we shared.
But the truth is,
The love wasn’t enough!
All this time, I was blaming her,
I was blaming myself!
You are the one who deserves all the blame,
You broke my heart,
You broke us!
You did not love me the way I was supposed to be loved.
That’s why!

Sometimes, during midnight, I want to run to your door,
Banging it loud till you open it.
To show you the damage you have done.
But then I stop at my door,
Realising if you didn’t care then,
Why would you now!
That’s why!

 

Thank you for reading.
-A

Photo by : Charlie Foster on Unsplash

The Pictures On My Bedroom Wall

Sometimes I lie in my bed,
Looking at all the pictures on my bedroom wall.
Reminiscent of all the happy moments that I captured.

It’s funny how human brain works!
One moment it’s absolutely absorbed in the happy memories.
And the next moment it makes everything complicated.
Making you question everything!

Like,

When was the last time I was really happy?
When was the last time I actually smiled?
When was the last time I was at ease with myself?

The smile due to that happy memory is long gone,
And here I am left with the dumb comparison of my moments.
Then I convince myself that it’s normal.

It’s normal that I am lying here on a summer night without turning my fan or air conditioner on.
It’s normal that I don’t feel hot even with the amount of sweat on my body says otherwise.
I run to the mirror, trying to imitate a smile similar to the one in the pictures.

Sometimes I get real close to achieving that smile,
But my eyes crinkle in a different manner.
They fail to comply with me.
Making me aware of how phony it sounds to copy your own smile.

I just stand there staring into my own eyes,
Asking the questions I don’t know the answers to!

Like,

What went wrong?
Was it supposed to go this way?

But then I stop,

Remembering the pieces of advice from the multiple articles I read.
The do’s and don’ts of how to treat yourself.
Deep breaths and a glass of cool water, they say.
Sipping down the last gulp,

I sit on my bed.
And then I see the pictures on my bedroom wall, again.

 

Thank you for reading.
-A

The things I have been feeling lately, which take up most of my head space, everyday. I know, I have been away for a really long time but if we are being honest here, all I can say is I am trying. It’s rhetoric, but it is the only thing that I am really doing.
How are you guys doing?

Photo by Alexander Possingham on Unsplash

The Type Of Love I Believe In

I am done being easy
I am done looking for easy
What I need right now is something which drains me out
While I still feel like that is the best thing ever!

I don’t want to go the easy way
I want to go to a journey which demands total dedication,
A journey which takes up everything I could offer,
And yet make me feel more complete than ever!

I’m going to make an effort to look presentable.
I’m going to reply to your text, right away.
I’m going to pay attention to what you say.
I’m not going to pretend that I am not into you.
I’m not going to play hard to get.

I’m going to tell you,
How I want!
What I want!
Who I want!

I’m not going to beat around the bush.
I’m not going to play those games.
Not because I am desperate!
Because I know what I want,
Because I don’t want time to mess it up.
Because I know something this beautiful should be held as tightly as possible.
Because I don’t want to regret letting something precious go.

I’m done letting my head drive me.
This time I am going to surrender to the demands of my heart and let it take me to the places I’ve always been afraid to go to.
Because this time, my head knows it too.
Because I can feel it.
I just do!

 

Thank you for reading.
-A

To The One Who Will Love Me

Your job is not to make things easier for me,
You are not my genie who grants wishes!

Your job is not to meddle in my business,
That’s not what partners do!

I don’t want you to be my problem-solver,
I want you to stand by me.

specsclad.wordpress.com1

Let me make my mistakes,
Let me fall as many times as I want to.
Let me learn on my own,
Let me grow!

I just want you to hold my hands,
Listen to my struggles,
Encourage me.
But to never take charge of my situations.

Of course, I will need you.
I will need you to help me stay positive,
I will need you to help me stay focused,
I will need you to kiss me good luck.

Honey, just be there!
Be there when I seek the comfort of your arms.
Be there to kiss my pain away.
Be there to hold me when I am breaking.
Be there to whisper those soothing, sweet nothings into my ear.
Be there to take me away from this world when I need it the most.
Be there to make me laugh hard.
Be there to point out my mistakes.
Be there with nothing, but love.

Let’s face our share of demons.
Let’s struggle on our own, yet together.
Let’s build our characters.
Let’s spoil each other with love.
Let’s grow into soulmates.

THE CRAMM AND BLOGGER RECOGNITION AWARD

Hello, everyone!

I have been nominated by the wonderful Divi Squiggles for two very amazing awards! I want to thank you for thinking about me as a worthy person for these nominations.

THE CRAMM AWARD

crammaward

TheCramm award was created by Liv, the owner of theCramm.

Rules:

  • Include a little bit about who created this award (with a link) and mention the person the who nominated you.
  • Share 3 things that motivate you to blog and share 3 people that motivate you to blog as well
  • Share one thing you hope to do that will improve the world
  • Answer your challenge question
  • Nominate your choice of bloggers and give them a challenge question.

Three things that motivate me:

  1. Nature: Nature inspires me to think a lot. It is very beautiful how everything coexists. It has shown me a million ways to look for silver linings even when it is very difficult to find one.
  2. My readers: It is amazing how a word or two can make an impact on your thought process. You guys are always so kind and it motivates me to do better and more.
  3. Life stories: Gaining knowledge from life stories of others and sharing it with everyone. Learning about the ways they struggled and won at life is so inspiring.

Three people who motivate me:

  1. My parents
  2.  My friends
  3. My fellow bloggers

One Thing I Hope to do that will improve the World:

I am trying to be better at finding silver linings and sharing the ideas with the world through blogging. This is the sole reason why I write inspiring posts. It is easier to crib about the situation than finding that ray of positivity, so I hope to be a way to find that ray of positivity.

Answering my challenge question: What Is The Meaning Of Life?

Meaning of life is to never stop moving forward just like the way it is supposed to be. There will be setbacks, but that’s normal and it just means that you are doing it perfectly. You fall and then you get up, it is as simple as that. If you keep having faith is yourself, you can achieve everything!

Challenge Question for the nominees:

What is your strategy to stay positive during the tough times?

THE BLOGGER RECOGNITION AWARD

blogger-recognition-award-badge

Rules:

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  2. Write a post to show your award.
  3. Give a brief story of how your blog started.
  4. Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers

The story of “Specscladeyes”

I have been writing for a really long time but I never considered the idea of starting a blog. Initially, I wrote a few pieces on other social platforms and got an amazing response. A little over a year ago, my little brother pushed me to start blogging and I am really thankful that I took his words seriously. Since then, I have not looked back. I always have so many thoughts and Specscladeyes has become a way to channelize those thoughts.

Advice to new bloggers.

I am going to pass on the most important advice that I have got from my fellow bloggers. It is to be yourself! Write the things that you actually believe in. Because if it is not coming from your heart, it will not go to the heart of the readers. Never be afraid of voicing out your opinions, no matter how different they are from others. And never stop having fun!

Nominations for both awards:

Thank you for reading 🙂

 

 

 

Dilemma Of A Patient Heart

I said, “I love you.”
You just smiled.
I waited for you to say something, anything.
You never replied.

I can clearly hear your hesitant thoughts, that whooshing sound of multiple gears of your brain. I am not really sure what to do or say next, so I simply pull you into a hug. You lean into me like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

specsclad.wordpress.com

Initially, I used to think you are not vocal about multiple things, but, that changed the moment you started talking about the things which mean a lot to you. Your passion was clearly visible in your twinkling eyes. Your animated hand gesture, the way your eyes squinted when you were recalling some important facts, that cute V which was formed between your brows when you were concentrating and the way you curl your lips up when something goes the way you imagined. It has always been easy to read what is going on with your mind, so why is it so difficult now.

I do not want to question what we have but sometimes it is difficult not to do it as you keep yourself so closed off. Sometimes, I feel that I am not good enough, I am not really sure that I am what you deserve.

I feel you tense up every time I confess that I am in love with you. I don’t know how to assure you that what we have is very special to me. I want you to know that I do not say ‘I love you’ for the sake of saying, I mean it in the truest form.

It’s difficult to stop the irrelevant thoughts from popping into my mind.
Like,
Did I kiss her too soon?
Did I rush that confession of my heart?
Will she ever speak her heart out?
Does she even feel what I feel?

But, in the battle of my mind and heart, my heart is always going to win when it is about you, period.

I will keep saying I love you to you. I know you have walls around you, I know they are there for a reason. I know there is a spark and this knowledge is more than enough for me, right now.

I am not going to give up on us, not now, not ever. Because your brain might mess up with your thoughts, your body always gives away the crucial information. I feel it in every kiss, your struggle, your confusion and your heart. I pay close attention to your small little sighs after we kiss. I love the way your body lights up to my touch. I love how you always look for me, your adorable blush and blissful expressions are my only assurances, for now. I look forward to them, every day.

I am going to wait for you to be there. What we have is very precious to be given away without a proper fight. I know you are fighting inside, I am going to stand by you and let you sort your thoughts. No questions asked, period.

Because, I love you more than anything in the world.

Read her side of story here.

The Pleas Of A Guarded Heart

You told me you love me, a million times.
I kept searching for reasons to not believe you, I could not find one.

Do I love you?
I am not sure.
Do you love me?
I don’t want to admit that I am sure!

The Guarded Heart

I’m paranoid, I’m uncertain but I care a lot about you. Then why am I holding back? Why am I fighting it? Why am I making it so difficult!?

Yes, I have walls around me.
Yes, I am guarding myself.
Yes, I have a tendency to doubt everything.

It’s the only way I can ensure my sanity, keep my nerves from falling all over the place. I am just looking out for myself, can you blame me?

Sometimes it’s not just about how much love you have for me, sometimes it’s about the repetitive reassurances. I fancy you, a lot but I am afraid. I am afraid of falling into the same pattern, all over again. I’m afraid of losing a piece of my soul. I just need my time to be sure.

I just want to be sure of whether what we have is worth risking my heart. I am waiting for my gut to ask me to drop all the walls. I promise I respect your emotions. No, I’m not toying with you, it has always been genuine. I read your sincerity in your kisses, I feel your love in your touches. But I am a victim of always wearing my heart on my sleeves. I’m trying. I promise, I am.

I want to tell you everything, but not right now. My insecurities get the best of me.
So, honey, just be patient with me. Keep loving me the way you do, keep kissing me like you mean it, continue being my shelter!

Read his side of story here.

90 Happy-Positive Days Challenge

I read somewhere that if you want your brain to adapt to a pattern, all you have to do is keep repeating it till your brain accepts it as a habit. Today I want to share one such experience with you guys.

On 8th November 2016, I started a  90 happy-positive days challenge. The only condition for this challenge was to stay happy and positive for ninety consecutive days. After having plenty of negative days, I decided enough was enough! I strategically planned the challenge so that the 91st day was the day I turned 22.

his-challenge-was-really-interesting-and-fun-to-do-i-have-grown-up-a-lot-as-a-person-and-i-am-really-proud-of-myself-that-i-took-up-this-challenge-also-you-guys-have-been-extremely-supportive-and-he

The duration of my challenge was 8th November 2016 – 5th February 2017.
I turned 22 on 6th of February, this year.

Duration : 90 Days
Platform : Instagram

I chose Instagram as a platform because it is the only platform which I use everyday.

The rules were simple:
1) Read and write a positive or happy affirmation everyday.
2) Post a picture of what made you happy today.

Initially, it was very difficult because staying happy all the time is not easy. But as the time passed, I started believing in myself. I started looking for silver linings in every situation. By the time it was the New Year, I was happier than ever!

My entire journey was documented on Instagram and the support I got from everyone was super heart-warming.

This challenge was really interesting and fun to do. I have grown up a lot as a person and I am really proud of myself that I took up this challenge.Also, everyone was extremely supportive and helpful, asking me not to give up whenever I was struggling. Every positive affirmation changed my perspective a little more every day.

This challenge turned me into a better person and I urge you guys to give it a shot. I will post the list of affirmations, they really set the tempo.

P.S. If there are more such challenges which you have personally tried, please let me know. I want to do everything which helps me to grow.

 

Letter To My Body

Hello, it’s me.

I am sorry for not writing soon.

There are a plenty of things that I want to say to you, I want to confess my true feelings, I want to apologize for all the stupid things that ever said to you and most specifically, I want to tell you how much I love you.

First things first, I want to apologize because I took you for granted.

valentines-day-special

I am really sorry for all the wrong food I fed you just because I thought it tasted better. I am sorry for not taking care of you when you should have been my first priority. I am sorry for sleeping with my makeup on because I was too lazy to get up.

I am very sorry for buying that dress one size too small, I suffocated you to satisfy my crazy illusion of looking good. It was very stupid of me to follow those dumb crash diets just because it worked for somebody on the internet. I apologize for depriving you of your favourite chocolate!

I want to apologize for all the mean things that I said to you. I am sorry that I let the mirror mock you. I am sorry for holding my breath and sucking my stomach in to look good in pictures. I disappointed you when I used that bag, that pillow, that jacket and those oversized clothes to hide my so-called “flaws” I am sorry for the days when I looked into the mirror and criticized you for not being the perfect body.

All I did to you was nasty comments and bad behaviour, yet you never gave up on me. You never stopped helping me in defining who I am. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for always sticking up with me.

You are not fat, you are not short, you are not bad, you are just perfect!

Those imperfections are not your flaws, they are your jewels! They help you in defining who you are. They help me in being ME!

Now when I look into the mirror, all I see are the things that I love!
I love those crooked teeth!
I love those stretch marks!
I love those freckles!
The curly hair which I never liked, I love it now!

I do not care what the weighing scale says but that does not mean I’ll stop you from being healthy.

Earlier, I wanted to lose weight and look different because I did not like you. But now, I want to eat healthy,  get fit because I love you and we help the ones we love in getting better and better, everyday.

So, dear body, this Valentine’s Day I vow to love you even better than the best way I possibly could. I promise to treat you the way you deserve it!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Sincerely,
Me.