“Everything Is Fine”

“How is everything?”
“Everything is fine.”

I lie through my teeth and pull a smile.

You just nod and carry on
Just like everyone I have ever known.

They say talking about it helps,
as if I don’t know!
They say it should be easy,
hitting a low blow!

Some pretend, some try,
but actually, it’s just a far cry.

I know I have built these walls around me, I know these walls are hard to penetrate. I am trying to protect myself, I am trying to do something good for me.

These walls calm me down

When I am tossing and turning at night,
When I am battling my demons,
When I am drowning in the black pool,
When I burn myself with cold sweat.

I hold these walls dear to me because they give me the assurance of limit. The assurance of not suffering more than what I am going through now. The assurance of not giving anyone else the authority to hurt me when I am already hurting so much.

This is all I know.
This is what I do.

The helplessness in your eyes haunts me every day,
Your concerned gazes when you think I am not looking,
Your “How is everything?” every day,
I notice everything.

But I don’t want to draw you into the same dark sea.
Because I know firsthand, how ugly it can get.

Because I care about.
Because I love you.

Thank you for reading.
-A