Why We Never Became A Thing

I’m sorry I couldn’t let you in
Because I haven’t cleaned the insides of my heart, yet.
I haven’t packed the boxes of things which were his
I haven’t decided on whether to cherish or throw, yet.

I can’t be that audacious to let you stay at place
That once belonged to him
The place which I once decorated with fairy lights and candles
Which now has the remains of us
The dilapidated surroundings
Along with the cobwebs and dust
The walls which still has pictures of him
Even though I have ripped them off of my bedroom wall.

I’m sorry for not being completely with you
Because when I looked at you,
I was just looking for the pieces of him
A faint resemblance
A hint of him.

I know it was unfair,
The cruelest thing.
That’s why we never
Became a thing!

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I Desired Everything Which Was Not Mine

I craved for everything I didn’t have
For a life which someone else lived,
For a job which someone else had
I craved for the life which was not mine.

I yearned for a beautiful relationship,
Which was different from mine.
I longed for a gorgeous home, the one from the magazines,
Which was way prettier than mine.

I wanted to have a fulfilling life,
A life someone else was living.
A life which looks like an ideal life.
I wanted to live in a city,
A city which looked stunning in the pictures.
A city so glamorous that could turn the eyes blind.

I desired everything
Which was not mine.

And in the process,
I lost appreciation for everything
Which was completely, wholly mine.

A life, designed with so much love and dedication
By me,
For me.

I stopped valuing the caring people around me
The people who loved me for who I am
The people who believe in me
The people who inspire me to move forward, every day.

In process of getting an ideal life
I started destroying my present-perfect life.
Questioning everything which was working for me
Questioning everyone who was mine.

The perfect relationships,
best friendships,
a loving family,
An ideal life, for someone else.
The one I am living.
The one someone else wants.

I know, I should stop before I mess everything up.
But accepting what I have
Is not easy
Loving what I have
Is even more difficult.

I’m trying,
Just like everyone.
I’m accepting what I have,
Just like everyone.
I’m living,
Just like everyone.

 

Thank you for reading.
-A

Photo by Felix Russell-Saw

If You Have Lost A Loved One

Hie,
Can’t decide today’s mood.
I am happy and sad at the same time.

Anyway, today is my best friend’s birthday, she decided to move to heaven in 2011. Leaving me alone, here. She would have been a beautiful woman, inside out. If you are reading this, please include her in your today’s prayers and wish her happy birthday.

Here is a post for everyone, who has lost a loved one.

You will be living a perfect life,
Then all of sudden, you want them to be there with you.
Share your moments with them.

So, one moment you are ecstatic,
And next moment you can barely breathe!
You feel like your airway is getting blocked,
Your heart is burning,
You feel everything in your body closing up.

No matter how long it has been,
The pain stays fresh,
Playing hide and seek with your heart.
Sometimes it’s there, but hidden,
Sometimes it comes to you with full force!

You try to focus on the breathing,
because that’s what you are supposed to do
But, while focusing on the breathing,
you are still thinking about them.
Making everything even more difficult
than it earlier was.

Then you just stop.
Stop focusing on your breathing,
Stop thinking about them,
Like a plug pulled out of the socket.
You just stop!
And wait for the moment to pass away,
Wait for your heart to beat normally,
Wait for yourself to feel alive, again.

And when everything comes under control,
You continue with your daily tasks.
Till you encounter another such moment,
Or another one of your special days.
Or any random day when your mind wants to play tricks.

You go through the pictures,
Laugh a little,
Shed a tear or more.
Read their letters
Or just roll up in a blanket.

You take a timeout
And that’s a good thing

Sometimes you just need their hugs
Or their assurances
So you look up to the sky
Hoping they could see you
Give you some sort of sign.

You make yourself believe
that the twinkling star is them.
You do whatever you could to make it better.

To make yourself feel better.
Because that will make them feel better.
And you don’t want them to be sad just because you are,
You want to stay strong for them,
Because they are alone, up there.
Completely on their own
And you want the best for them.

So you look at the twinkling star, again
whisper I love you,
blow a kiss,
wipe your tears
and continue living your life
as if nothing is bothering you.
As if nothing is missing
As if there is no void
As if they are here
Almost!


 

So, all my people out there, you are not alone, we are not alone.
Stay strong!
xo

If you want to read more about her, here is the link.

Also, those of you who ask me to tell you more about her, I am trying. Just be patient with me, every time I sit down thinking today I will talk about her, I just can’t. So that’s what it is.
She was a wonderful person, the cool person you wanna hang out with type. Someday, I will tell you more about her.

Till then, bie!

 

Every Elder Sister In The World

She, who fought with the older boys when they were bothering you,
and she could not bear tears in your eyes.

She, who held your hand when you first walked into the school,
and promised that everything is going to be perfect.

She, who listens to you talking about bikes and dogs,
even though she is not interested.

She, who shares her music collection with you,
so you can act cool in front of your friends.

She, who helps you with the assignments,
because she can’t resist your puppy face.

She, who reads a lot of motivational pieces when you are feeling low,
only to help you get out of your sad mood.

She, who sits with you to watch your kind of TV series,
even though it’s not her taste.

She, who clicks tons of pictures of you,
for your perfect Instagram.

She, who sings a lot of stupid songs, loud
just to annoy you.

She, who covers up for you,
and help you get past those curfews.

She, who loves you the most,
treats you like a baby,
because she still remembers
how your tiny fingers curled around her finger
and she promised to give you the world.

She, who is your elder sister,
and always wants the best for you.

 

Thank you for reading.
-A

Photo by Jenn Evelyn-Ann

The Colour Which Reminds Me Of You

Orange,

The colour of the sky when you held my hand for the first time.
The colour of your t-shirt when you confessed your love to me.
The colour of that old man’s shirt who told us how beautiful young love is.
The same old man who said he see us growing old together.

The colour of my sweater when I realised how much I am in love with you.
The colour of the curtains we fought over for a really long time and then settled to teal blue.
The colour of the ice-cream you brought me when I was really mad at you.

The colour of your socks when you said you are not sure if we are fine.
The colour of the sweatshirt I bought you as a present on our first Christmas.

The colour of your shirt which she was wearing.
The same t-shirt you wore when you told me you love me.
The same t-shirt you wore when you promised to be mine.
The same t-shirt she was wearing when I thought of surprising you, by bringing your favourite donuts.

The colour of the sky when my heart shattered into infinite pieces.
The colour which gave me a lot of panic attacks for a really long time.
The colour which haunted me till I couldn’t run away.
The colour which reminds me of you.
And your hollow promises.

From Game To The Bucket List

When I was a kid, I had an educational fun game, in which two discs were pinned, overlapping each other. The First disc had a lot of cutouts and the second one had a lot of tiny words on it.  It was an informative disc sort of game which gave information about different countries of the world, so you have to spin the upper disc and the cutouts or the slits will show you the information about that country.

The disc will provide all kinds of information like the country’s capital, area, population, rivers, main crops, minerals found, major languages etc. I remember how I would spin the disc, read about a country and then locate it on the globe I had.

I used to carry the globe to my different uncles, cousins, grandparents and almost any elder member of the family *I lived in a joint family then*  and tell them everything I had learned. I would point to a country on the globe and tell them everything about it.

Then I gave my little game a twist and started using the globe as my starting point. I would give the globe a little spin, close my eyes and place my finger on it. I used to think of myself as some important voyager who travels across the world and then tells the stories of her explorations to her family.

And by the end of the game, I would write a few countries in my notebook. I used to call it my list of favourite countries, that later graduated to my bucket list. I often asked my cousins to play the game and then gave them a long lecture if they chose without thinking.

If I see a globe now, I still cannot resist the urge to give it a little spin.

 

I still don’t understand how everyone in my family had the patience to listen to my ramblings about different countries, every day. But I do remember the way I explained them everything as if I actually travelled to that country. Cheers to the simpler times!

Everyday Inspiration: Day 17
“A Map As Your Muse”

 

Why Not Giving Up Should Be Life’s Mantra

Have you ever wanted to go back and undo what happened?
But then there is a little voice in your head which asks you not to do it,
Reminding you of all the other times you had similar thoughts but you opted not to,
Reminding you of all the lessons you have learnt along the way.
The lessons which pushed you to this moment,
The lessons which made you confident enough to take all those steps.
No matter what, just always listen to that tiny voice!
And keep moving forward.

I have been here for longer than usual. I have seen all of it. How life goes on, how it throws a curve at the exact moment everything seems straight and simple. How it pushes you to extreme but pulls you up just before you begin to fall. How it surprises you everyday. How it never repeats it’s routine. How it looks into your eye and dares you to blink first, but you don’t! How it is the biggest mystery but not completely clueless. How it makes you cherish small things. How it makes you into who you are. How it never stops. How it never stands between you and your journey. How it makes you believe in yourself.

You stay there, just a little bit longer,
No, don’t give up, just hang in there.
It is going to happen, soon!
You can see it, feel it in your heart,
Yes, it is coming to you, just be patient.
It is what you have always dreamt of.
It is exactly what you wanted it to be,
So, JUST STAY THERE!

Everyday Inspiration: Day 16

“Mine your own material”

If We Were Having Coffee Right Now

If we were having coffee right now,
I would tell you how I scroll through my Instagram feed,
Looking at the glorious transformation stories.
Feeling elated for those who completed their goals.
Trying to gain some inspiration from their success stories.
Trying their formula thinking if it worked for them, it will work for me, too.

If we were having coffee right now,
I would tell you that there are plenty of other thoughts crawling up my thinking space.
Thoughts like being envious of their journey.
A journey which they completed,
A journey I might never complete.
Thoughts like feeling a lot of pressure due to their success stories.

If we were having coffee right now,
I would tell you how the stories which were supposed to motivate me.
The stories which make me want to rush without exhausting myself.
The stories which eventually suffocate me.
Thoughts like comparing myself with others even though I know it’s not healthy.

If we were having coffee right now,
I would tell you how I stop the scrolling for a day ( a few minutes to be honest)
and then I fall into the same pattern, again.
It’s a vicious cycle.

 

Disclaimer first!
No hate to anyone who posts their body transformation stories, I am just expressing my state of mind. It’s weird but as a human, it is normal to interpret the wrong meanings. I feel pressure but there are plenty who get inspired. So it’s just me, I am not posting this to offend anyone! What you have achieved is very beautiful and I am very excited for you.

Everyday Inspiration: Day 11
“A cup of coffee”

After All These Years, Why Now?

If not in a decade, then, why now?
I asked to no one in particular when your car pulled over in front of my house.

You can do it, you can do it!
I chanted in my head when you knocked on my door.
I opened the door to flash a fake smile,
Quite similar to what you have been doing, standing there for a while.

The deafening silence,
Everything full of pretense.
I didn’t know we could be so awkward, too!
The chance to reconnect, I was definitely not looking forward to.

Between fancy restaurants and fine dining, we are pretending to be okay.
But we are not,
And we will never be, again!

Now, we are sitting at our table, making small talks like we are just a bunch of regular people.
But we are not,
And we will never be, again!

I look around and everyone is having fun,
Everyone but us.
Our table is fogged with the palpable tension,
Tension so thick that a knife could come handy.

The entire situation is a mess,
Just like we are,
Just like our superficial talks!

We search for safe topics to talk about like our life depends on it,
Our efforts of killing the awkward silence,
Our fake laughter,
But who are we fooling?

The only comfortable noise is the occasional clutter of our cutlery.
Nothing is right, I know you can feel it, too.
I noticed you looking when you think I was not.

From being joint from the hip all the time, we drifted apart into a whole new dimension where we barely acknowledge each other

Now we are sitting across this table but we are miles apart.
We think touching vague topics which we don’t even care about is going to fill the gap!
But ten years is a really long time and a lunch is not going to do anything to help it.

My head just keeps asking why now?
Now when I have a wonderful life,
When I am finally not miserable,
When I have finally stopped caring if you are in my life or not!

But we just sit silently and keep toying with the food, just like we are toying with our hearts.

I just want you to answer my silent question, very audible in my pleading eyes, “After all these years, why now?

Have you ever grown apart from somebody you could never imagine? In my case, that somebody came back to apparently mend the difference *eyeroll* Is it weird that I don’t want to reconnect?

Everyday Inspiration: Day 10

“Let the scene write itself”

A Work In Progress

Sometimes my head spins,
Making me dizzy and overwhelmed.

Sometimes I fall apart,
Making me question, why did I even start.

Sometimes I am unsure,
Making me doubt everything and everyone.

Sometimes I seek guidance,
Making me rise above all my pretense.

Sometimes I sit in the blazing fire,
Even though my heart has no such desire.

Sometimes I put on a facade,
Successfully pulling the “fake it till you make it” card.

But during all those times,
There are flickering moments of pride,
Making me realise,
I never gave up,
Never did I ever hide.

I’m just a work in progress!
I’m just in the process,
Of being the best there is.

But, till then,
I’m just a proud case of work in progress.

I am someone who never stopped moving,
I am someone who worked in spite of my head spinning.

Yes, I have come a long way,
But, I am still in a mid way,
Of being who I want to be.
Of achieving what I have always dreamt of.

I’ll keep pushing myself,
Getting better and better every day.

Because I am a proud case of work in progress!

 

 

Thank you for reading.
-A