More than a solid punch in the gut.
There’s no way to avoid it. No matter how safe you play or how carefully you guard your heart, it is bound to happen. Maybe you can delay the whole process but there no staying away from it. It somehow finds its way to you, always.
When someone else breaks your heart, you have the option of playing the blame game until some part of you has healed. Your mind can find peace in knowing that it was someone else who did the wrong things. A tiny part of you is always sure that you still have got yourself!
But when you are your own culprit, there’s no running away from it. You can’t block yourself from your own self. You can’t put the blame on something or someone else. The struggle of blaming yourself, being mad at yourself and trying to console yourself at the same time is something that the worst nightmares are made up of.
It shatters your carefully built confidence to a point that you stare at yourself in the mirror for 2 hours straight, sitting on your bedroom floor, trying to find if you are still inside the eyes staring back at you. It pulls you back to the dark place, a terrible place you struggled so hard to get out of. For the briefest moment, you don’t want to do the whole ‘life’ thing. It makes you question your worth, you go back to functioning on autopilot where you are just existing.
You cannot be mad at people who tell you that it’s silly to be that sad on such trivial matters as you are too busy being angry with yourself. They say this is not the end of the world, but that’s not true, it is a huge deal in your world and you are allowed to mourn at the loss you suffered. You cannot ask for compassion because you know that it isn’t going to do anything, because the only person from whom you want compassion is YOU.
This love-hate relationship gets very exhausting to keep up with.
And now on top of being sad and mad, you are tired too.
But who to blame, you broke your own heart!
Photo by Naomi August